My thoughts on things


I'm out of it, somehow. I've had this problem before. Every once in a while, I'll just get amped out and I feel like I have so much inspiration from everything, I'll think about so many things at the same time, and I can't do any of it. I want to read a fiction book and a math textbook and watch a movie and tinker with my beaglebone and so much shit... but I've decided on writing a little here, for now. At least here it will only take half an hour or so and I can be on my way. Most of the stuff I want to do right now would require hours of hard work. Maybe by writing a bit I'll be able to calm down and make a plan.

So, my thoughts on things, huh? Well, my psoriasis is acting up. I just scratched my head and a metric shitload of dried skin came off, and it's still itchy. I'll have to deal with that.

I guess the real root of my problems is that I'm unable to force myself to do new things, right? I keep telling myself I need to go to the gym that I get free with my tuition, but some litle voice in my head tells me not to, so I don't, and lo and behold I'm slowly gaining weight. I'm forcing myself to go out tomorrow and ride around town, getting supplies and generally learning my way around this city that I've been a legal resident of for two months but I've barely been in. That I think I can do. Maybe it'll be the thing that gives me the confidence to walk into that gym that I fear for no reason, but I doubt it. Either way it'll be good for me for a variety of reasons.

Long-term most of my thoughts right now are about how I'm gonna live life after this year. My parents really can't afford to pay for my housing now that my sister will be going to college, and I rate the chances that I'll land a part-time job that pays enough to hold down an apartment in this town as "slim to none". Thus, I pretty much either have to find the mother of all apartment deals or become homeless. The idea doesn't scare me very much, and in fact I think it would be a nice change of pace(the constant closeness of college life really annoys me sometimes). The problem for me isn't so much the fact that I will be inhabiting one of the lowest rungs of society, it's the practical problems. I'm pretty sure I could live outdoors for an extended period of time, getting showers at the tuition-paid gym and doing my laundry at laundromats, but I'm not convinced I could do it comfortably. I'm a big fan of the outdoors, but I prefer four walls and a roof around me, and a sense that it's my home. One alternative I'm thinking of is squatting, but it seems like squatting, especially by yourself, is very difficult. Who knows though, maybe riding my bike around tomorrow I'll come across some abandoned-looking houses that look worth checking out later.

The real problem with homelessness, though, is that my family will absolutely be against it. They're very prideful people. If I ended up going homeless, they'd for sure try to subsidize me with an apartment. My grandparents also live about 15 minutes away, so they will find out undoubtably. On the other hand, my contact with my family is very sparse, and if I do homelessness well I might be able to hide it from them.

Anyway, other things I'm thinking about -- I want to get more involved around here politically. I know for a fact that this city is fucking full of anarchists and marxists(and all mixes between the two), but I've somehow never had contact with them except for a weird Trot who sold me a newspaper. Maybe if I get with the right circle of anarchists, I'll be able to find my way into a successful squat. I get the feeling that's all a matter of "lurk moar" though. Really long-term stuff.

Ah, I think that helped set my mind at ease. This lack of challenging classes is really getting to me, I think. Well, I have challenging classes, but none of them are terribly interesting, so my mind enters procrastinate mode. Next quarter's looking like it will be much the same. I doubt I'll really get to the fun math and compsci classes until next year.

-- 2016-11-05

Winter Break Blues

Well, "blues" is probably a bad word for it. I like being home way more than I like being in the dorms. I get to sleep in my own private room(how luxurious!) and I get good food. However, there are some key problems here. One, I left all my notebooks back in the dorm, so that's a good chunk of all my knowledge base just sitting there, unused and un-expandable. I meant to complete that course on theoretical CS earlier but, because I left my notebook back home and I don't have one here, I have to read the lecture notes and book knowing that it won't sink in so well. I'm very much a writing-based learner.

The other thing causing the "blues" is, I really don't want to go back to the dorms. The more I think about it the less I enjoy living there. Even if I end up homeless next year(actually, one of my friends here at home apparently has an aunt who lives nearby that might be willing to rent out their garage maybe, and my parents' investments have been going well recently, so there's hope!), I won't miss them. They're just so claustrophobic and there's no privacy. I thrive on privacy. The one redeeming feature is that I get edible food for free and there is a trailhead like 200 yards from where I live.

In other news, I saw Rogue One not once but twice. One of the best Star Wars movies, in my opinion. Way better than the bland shitshow that was The Force Awakens. The plot was less formulaic, the characters had more to them, and most importantly in my opinion, it wasn't obviously the setup for a franchise. It was like A New Hope: they set out to make a damn fun movie and they didn't expect or need it to be a major blockbuster. And it turned out really well. For a Star Wars movie, the themes are very adult. The good guys aren't perfect, and the bad guys aren't monolithic. The movie ends with every main character dying for the cause. I think Star Wars actually works a lot better with those more adult themes; just look at the Expanded Universe for a Star Wars that lets its characters be real people, and pulls it off damn well. I rate Rogue One 9/10.

I'll try to update this site more often. The "academics" section will remain barren until I get my notebooks back, although I've been making some progress on my programming project this week and I might actually put the code out there for public review soon. Toodle-oo!

-- 2016-12-22